discombobulated..

no sense. label.

2006-12-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

Eh. I can't keep up two journals, there's not enough on both for one, so why the hell right. Why differentiate, why balance? Anything? Fuck this, and fuck that.

So what. Now? Ha.
It's been a month? Less even since my house went up in flames, it feels like half a year and I've got to say the effect it has had on me is alot more than superficial burns. Maybe it's this house, the airconditioning I was used to staying in town now gone, the things to do, the early mornings getting later again now. Where's that point of positive norm I reached such awhile ago. I'm still finding it because it will always be something in me, in my head, waiting to be acted on. I could be stupidly honest and say it would be fucking swell to have some mary now. It could be arranged but, what is it I would rather say, what is it i would rather do.
Can anybody in any social situation act just doing what they want to do? No. I mean it's been defined long ago not a single person can do that in the environments we're around. Maybe people don't notice it. Maybe people don't really care, but i think not. Maybe I don't care, but I do care about what revolves around me. The agenda of meetings? The purpose of interaction with people? I'm too comfortable to be finding comfort in the laughable things of other people or the entertainment displayed for everybody around that has no real function. Even things with no function, when talked about by me is taken in a sensitive manner. So yeah xmas is on its way. I just heard today that we're still having xmas breakfast. HEH!! But it's all good, in anycase I'm still up for that kind of thing, always will be. But I'm just thinking, xmas is 8 days away. 7 days at this point. When was my xmas spirit so fucked off the scale. To be honest it was all progressive, and to be more honest, I still have alot of it, it's just a matter of environment and proper values. So does anybody want to get a bottle of liquor with me, or 2 and take a swig and a picture at every xmas tree we see? It'd be fun. Can someone get someone with a violin. I'll bring food, drink, show the way to a beautiful coastal location. Midgets perhaps? They're always fun. But whatever, I've got Alison. Things could be so much better but I'm always 7 times more than content. I hope that goes financially at some point. Emotionally and spiritually , I'm there.

The truth is however..

2006-11-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

That will never happen.
Because I'm stronger than you were
with all your infinite wisdom i am
declaring to be nothing at all.
And all your pityful excuses for being
weak. I cant be strong for you anymore
so that you can take more lives.
not in this life, not in my family.
You are going to get exposed.
You say you gave up on me long ago, yet
why do you try. Because you need me.
Because you know,
I knew all about you forever.
I love you but i cant do it anymore,
I cant live in denial, of what you really are.
I've lost too much, some of which has proven
to be to be of no significance.

Because I'm not afraid of being strong anymore.
I'm not afraid of taking risks, I'm not afraid
of being something greater then what you think
you are, I already am for what you've done.

like a cat shut out.

2006-03-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

i want to run away.
i want to tell everybody off and smack them upside the head with the truth.
i cant keep living like this.
i cant make everyone happy.
i wish only that somebody would see things my way.
i wish to cease.
i hope for better.
i hope for the best things for the people i care for tremendously that have no idea.
i need to fucking scream out every single thing in my head but i dont think my voice could withstand a fifth of it. torture.
i need to be shipped to a deserted island where i can disintegrate in the sun and be forgotten along with all thats been forgotten.
i need a shot. i need a means. i need a gun. i need to explode.
i fucking need radio mind therapy.

die.

i'd go out tonight but i haven't got a stitch to wear.

2006-03-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

we've all got the bends.
for no justified reason even.
for reasons not worth it. whats good and bad.
what bad things come to those who do good.
its merely language. we need to forget we even
know how to speak and begin living pure again.
you takkers. its funny the ppl you thought you
were close to are all really takkers. whose got
real friends now. weve definitely got the bends.
historical facts, 18 players, a simple breed, many minds, hippies, indigos, explode.

would love still be as fun if it made any sense?

2005-09-06T22:02:00.001-07:00

you have this vase... you love this vase. One day the vase breaks and you can only do one of two things.....

1) put it back together... knowing it'll never be the same...
or
2) sweep it up... throw it away.. and say... god damn I loved that vase

an ode to the most joy filled 193 days of my life.

2005-09-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow."

back sprain.

2005-09-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

HELP

190505

2005-05-19T04:15:00.000-07:00

depression..
compatibility lost..
freedom.. permission?
love.. unwarranted
happiness i loathe..

this being, this me, is going through an enormous state of pyrexia.
not felt so weak in such a long long time.. so vulnerable to everything else..
so emotional while at a heartless phase where nothing really seems.. just a taxing reality..
void of emotion for anything current.. looking onto the road ahead, the future,
my unknown which will Definitely hold happiness.. i want canvas on my body..
my body a canvas.. but what will it mean in a couple years working for a poof?
its such a stupid thing, such a huge mistake.. something you'll regret for an eternity..
yet i must have it..i want it.. ponder and see how true that is for alot of things.. in my life especially..
a downfall? a success underminded? beautiful.
my heart is with her..

220205..

2005-02-22T03:54:00.000-08:00

3rd battalion singapore Guards
ready to strike..
hooha..

long lost yamakasians.. wheres the love..? <333333333333333333
memberzz.. <3<3
dewi <3<3<3

241204

2004-12-24T04:35:00.000-08:00

good tidings..

with what shall i compare this merriment to?
tantalizing to the tongue, charm of a young lass?
a keg of beer, just for me and you?
or perhaps some sheesha.... sheesha... i love you.

la lala .. hmmm.. its krismas..
kinda late but im just now getting the xmassy spirit.. kinda sad i didnt buy anything this xmas.. if i had but ten bucks id buy myself a pack of cigarettes though..

i have too much to write to be bothered to labour.
so i think i'll just.. give a few shoutouts to the ppl who actually read this rubbish.. (blogging is evil)

_______________________________________________________________

nufail - kittie.. the one i see the least.. perhaps think about the most?
debatable.. youve got to come out more.. i know i dont come out till the weekend.. but dang, cant you do the same =S
smucks..

yana and sab - you know that day we were in the park waiting for adam to come out.. complaining about how long he was taking and all that.. i was in camp a couple nights after.. depressed that i had 4 days to bookout and no one to talk to except for the retarded ppl at camp.. all i wanted to do, was to be there.. go back to that time.. in the park with you 2.. how pleasant would that be.. i woulda killed for that.. be good..

adam - in some ways i feel closer to you.. but in most others.. i have never ever felt so distant to anyone that has got such meaning in my life.

sheens - hohoho.. marshmellow..

mai - i havent got anything to say to you. except for maybe the fact that though its good you come to realise youve neglected some people.. its fucked up you could justify it by calling your friends hypocrites.. millions of ppl make time for their friends. it should be a lot easier to make time for your best friends.. they might have less to talk about, of you if you were with them once in awhile.. but in any case.. merry xmas.. dont stress yourself out over anything, and clear your mind of all the negativity this not so winterish winter has brought unto you of all people especially..

hot damn.. that was a bitch

2004-11-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

im back from a week of shit.. back in action for 23 hours from this moment on minus the remedial training i have to book in for tomorrow morning.. what a bunch of shit.. back with IV needle holes, hematoma, and contusions on my arms, back from workin them chest, back from a secret mission of gagging somebody and tying him to his bed, back from realising we should be paid to do that shit ^ back from a long week of boredom void of any contact to the outside world and the ones i love, back from a week where my discman died on me halfway, back from SHIT food and few smoking breaks..
ive got too much to write yo.. you should check out my journal..

___________________________________________________________

this message has been specially brought to you with realization that some people need to be told certain things, some people who will never know its them im talking about..

i will never be able to lift you up from a fall..
i will never have a shoulder for you to cry on..
i will never be there to talk to you whenever you need me..
i will never tell you to never give up..
i will never wipe a single tear from your face..

because its not my problem that you've yet to realise that youd better unfuck yourself and move forward with whats really important..
youve yet to realise that im just a bastard.. a bastard whose not worried by the catastrophic suicide-inducing problem that is your own self pity..

your tomorrows your today..

2004-10-31T02:40:00.000-08:00

one day while sitting in my room..
you came in preaching your words predicting doom..
you've never once been happy with me,
because i'm not what you want me to be..no!!!
you tried to teach me to pray and go to school
you tried to teach me to be the system's tool
but you missed what i was smart enough to see
that their system doesn't work for you or me..
their system doesn't work for you,
you can be what you want to be..
don't have to choose to join the corporate army..
for god and country give up your life,
don't try to figure out what's wrong or right..
you never tried to stop, to look, to see
that you're exactly what you're told to be..
you did everything fucking right
you followed the system's guiding light..
and now you fucking bitch to me to fucking get a job,
when you don't like that life you've got..

morpheus? for the well educated

2004-10-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

why cant i dream.. who cares if you think i shouldnt be complaining about little things.. its only cos ive gone thru so much shit.. and ive seen this life to a be a collage of mainly.. bullshit.. its sad that boy is crying with no food.. ill feed him.. but that doesnt mean my aching heart isnt a problem.. just on a different scale aye..

Whatever one does, everybody always has something to say about it.. And you're either going to do the things that make life worth living, or you're just going to be a puppet — and if that's the case, somebody had better shove their hand up your ass and just use you as a puppet.. You should do exactly what everybody else says.. No! We're all individuals, we all have bigger dreams. I don't blame anybody else for having smaller dreams as to what life's all about, but I refuse to live my life in any way other than the way I perceive it, and I dream and think big.. It's not my fault that not everybody does..

suit yourself, lose myself..

2004-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

wasted early sunday morning..

yes.. lets not sell out and change our blogskin right blog..? lets keep it simple..
had quite a hearty conversation with natasha today and she made me feel like absolute shit over the whole kristin thing.. thanks girl.. smucks.. about how much i hurt her.. surely its one thing to buckle down and move on with life when bad things happen but i guess that was a reminder that i best not do things like that.. especially to such lovely precious people id give my life for.. my shadow weighs about 15 tonnes now..
but its ok.. cos my dreams move mountains and surely have the power to lift me up when i one day indefinitely fuse the two..

nights of having a vehicle around and no parents around make me miss the life i had in the states.. having my own car to cruise around with.. not a care in this world.. sure it makes me a lazy person.. not having to walk anymore.. but damn nigger.. speed kills.. wewt.. i miss mommy.. and i cant wait till she comes back so i can talk to her about going to novena with her like she always wants.. ive long not been the son she could be proud of.. im in a state to change that.. finally.. its been so many years since i was that son.. and till recently, i thought it was just a misjudgement on my parents part.. but looking at it, and having the ppl i love tell me straight.. i really am quite fucked up.. my priorities are so twisted.. all in the direction of my own convenience.. its just so hard without the girl i love though.. theres no motivation to do anything that would make me a success. everything i wanted to become i wanted to become so she could be happy.. to give her a good life, the life she always wanted.. a life she would never look back on with regret.. a life with a love this worlds never seen before..
but as big brother andre says.. fuck that.. but never forget..
theres so much more i have to say..
come find me, you might be enlightened..
dont follow me, you wont like what you see..

a weeks leave

2004-10-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

There's a coldness in the air
but I don't care....
(Embrace me...surround me)
Travelling somewhere
could be anywhere
there's a coldness in the air
but I don't care
we drift deeper
life goes on
we drift deeper
into the sound

Embrace me...surround me.. as the rush..

you're too good to be true.. i cant get my eyes offa you..

2004-10-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

my sore sore eye..
its getting annoying as hell.. and i cant wait to see how annoyed my sergeant gets when i go report sick in camp tomorrow again.. hahaha..

this whole weekend was pretty crazy, despite the fact i rightfully shouldve been on medical leave and staying at home.. friday was a collage of booze, music, creativity in the form of film ideas, drunken-ness, violence, and dead ronald mCdonalds.. big up..

was playing pool at parkway yesterday.. twas pretty fun, but on the other hand, ive never played such a gay game of pool.. must be the time off the cue.. i had a craving for crispy chicken cutlet, and i indulged.. and then i started thinking of things and ppl in far away places and pretty much lost my appetite.. you can tell when i dont finish a plate of chicken, fries and slaw in less than 4 minutes.. walked to the bus stop to take a bus to town to meet eze.. and HOPEFULLY shop.. but realised real quick none of that was gonna happen.. was gonna go to borders to get a book and an album but i was being harassed to meet the boys in town.. i had no intentions of meeting my bro after town plus he had better things to do so i thought hell, ill go clubbzingdedingz... sore eyes and all.. haaha.. so it was me eze, rishi and jonnyboy.. we waited for jasper to pick us up in his car and drive to jons house so rishi could fuckinh change out of his slippers and singlet miami loving shit..
went to china black.. ezekiel fell down the stairs.. ahaha..
there were some dang fine wemyn out last night.. and i felt a loosening grasp of my thing on abstinence.. the whole night eze was lecturing me about the fact that theres nothing holding me back anymore.. and im gonna have to move on anyway so what the hell right?
i guess so.. but there is something holding me back and thats my heart damn it..
everytime i meet a girl, i think to myself.. "you think youre special...... you dont have anything on kristin".... i dont wanna love again.. haha.. but im thinking if a superlass comes along.. like grace.. or szuyu dammit.. why did you have to go to the states.. we woulda been happening dah.. then of course..
fuck love..
fuck that..

im not gonna get any of it, so lets all have a drink on me and enjoy other things in life..
throw me some coke, float me a boat.. or some whiskey and some water..
chivas saves..

oh and this song is fuckinh amazing.. wants some trance with a hella lot o guitar? hahaha..

"twisters silence - listen to me mama (dj scot project remix)"

you baby you..

2004-10-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

all i want.. is to be with you..
all i need.. is me for you..
all i need.. in my mind..
is you girl.. such a find..

love is blind.. love sucks..
love is blind.. i've had enough..
love is cool.. that sucks..
i'm not a fool.. i've had enough

and all is gone..

2004-10-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

die die die my darling..
dededie.. die.. die my dahlin..
ill be seeing you.. in hell

_____________________________

one last night of freedom.. one last night i can sleep in comfort on my bed.. goodbye computer.. goodbye simpang.. goodbye tv.. goodbye franz.. goodbye bed so firm i long your touch after a hard days work..
hello dust, regimentation and shit quarters..

_____________________________

my heart still longeths what i can never dream of having..
oh if i could personify these emotions, thoughts, and nightmares..
surely thered be some kind of catastrophic end to the world..
if you think you know what im going through, or just so much as imagine..
you fuckinh dont have the slightest idea..

wee

2004-10-01T03:44:00.001-07:00

whens the last time i wrote a proper entry huh?
im just sooo lazy.. im sorry blog.. i love you and all but yeah.. actually no i dont.. but youve been good to me *pets blog*

~i could sing many songs.
the fact that you hear these songs all the time.. take away the meaning to it.. like if i told you to listen to it, youd say.. oh thats just someone elses words boy.
but is it? i cant be bothered to sway you anymore.. its not worth it.. little is really.
im not here to please you..
i cant even find absolution.. maybe one day when im whole..
but i want you.. thats funny huh.. its funnier how.. i cant live without you.. and i cant stand the thought that someone else could have you.. but i cant make you happy..
you talk too much..
but you never say what needs to be said.
you never held on tight enough..
and in the end.. its always my fault.. cos i am indeed the wiser..
lifes a real kick in the nads isnt it.. but when you're kicked in the nads.. you dont ignore it and let it crumble further.. you hold on to them =) and hope something.. or someone (LOL) will come along and soothe things..
now wouldnt that be dandy..
go be happy..

fuck that.

hate me for who i am..

2004-10-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

detest me for what i've done..

....

2004-09-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

you useless fucking piece of shit..
you had it all and you threw it away..
all for what?

all.. for what?!

speed kills..

2004-09-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

its strange what desire can make foolish people do.

______________________

and its funny how you only in an instant realise what people are important you and how much people can suddenly mean so much to you.
its funny how the people you can count on are the people youd never expect and everything else is so superficial.

______________________

its funny how i so want you to be happy. you and you. yet im so bitter at the idea. im walking hypocrisy, waiting to trip over my righteous self all over again. you're at your best when you're down.
look up cherbonnier.

______________________

its funny the things i would do for the people that are loved by the people i love. bro if you ever have a problem like this, im there. my heart is yours. my fists are at your mercy to do with what you please.

nufail if your reading this. you better do damn well for your exams and make us all proud. ive got plenty faith in you. and when you become that happening teacher that all her students love, the teacher that epitomizes what a role model should be, i promise you you'll also be that teacher who gets picked up after school by a guy on an insanely wicked bike *winkss *

the pull of dawn..

2004-09-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

the sun seeping through the blinds,
this morning air now simply dry..
the moon withdrawn into a shell,
to come back once more, lord knows when..
apollo burns bright, what kind of day
does he promise with this light..
clarity being given to all objects
small, wide, significant and the not..
all this while my minds a blank..
confused and dazed i beg it differed..
especially now, this very minute..
whereforth this heart of mine,
so full of emotion..
could my body be big enough to handle this..
i only hope lord, you draw me close..
keepsafe this little heart of mine..
this heart of mine that doesnt belong to me..
perhaps to that girl i love..
or the one ive never yet met..

my mind will protect me..
my faith enrich me..

apollo, come crashing at my doorstep..
fill me in.. do with me as you please..
take my life.. id rather die..
if you choose i carry on..
make this time i have memorable..
or hell hath no fury i will
extinguish your flames that burn so bright..
youd never guess..
with a love so great..
this world hath never seen..
sweet kiss..
turning back on me..

only lovers... only lovers gonna be left alive

2004-09-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what you're looking for
You haven't found it baby, thats for sure
You rip me up, you spread me all around
In the dust of the deed of time

And this is not case of lust you see
Its not a matter of you versus me
Its fine the way you want me on your own
But in the end its always me alone

I only know what I've been working for
Another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
But my experiment is not getting us anywhere
I had a vision I could turn you right
A stupid mission in a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
My heart is black and my body is blue

weeeeeeeeeeeee

2004-09-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

hello board..
i am home.. long lonely night of duty.. you know what, ive decided.. this will be my first proper non anti-blog entry.. ive got no one to tell this to, because i cannot be bothered to voice it all out.. typing at least, is some kind of sweet release.. weeeeeee
just got back home.. from a farking 36 hour day at work.. im a slacker pls, what am i doing duty for..
went to the hospital on wednesday and the ingrate doctor gave me excuse guard duty.. what in the fuck is that?!?!?! i mean like, he didnt even give me a day's mc.. so if i actually told the ppl at work i didnt have one, and made an issue of it, id go to DB!!!!!! whoooo!! i might just do that.. give myself up.. to the authorities.. and be charged for taking too many mc's.. and awol.. ahaaha..
hrmm.. last night made me realise how much i miss being a trainee.. i miss not having to think for myself.. i miss all that regimentation..
i miss keeping inhumanely fit just because i have to give in to the barks of silly munjen sergeants i would outherwise beat the living shit out of.. i gotta get off my lazy ass.. the doctor at the hospital told me my abdominals were distended and i have to go back in 3 days to observe and see its nothing serious.. cunt.. im not going back.. little does he know its most probably just my grotesque beer belly and inability to defeaceate..
but seriously.. walk around a military camp at night.. its beautiful..
bumped into an officer lady at midnight.. asked me where i was going.. in my sleepy state, scruffy hair and all.. pointed yonder and said i was going for a smoke.. she smiled and said "kinda late isnt it" .. i miss that serenity.. i miss the lights going off at 11.. i miss walking around by myself semi sneakily just for a smoke.. this is my camp, you no like it? you get tha fuck out.. hahaha.. oh well..
"i found the meaning of life by doing fire piquet duty"
that little room i stayed in.. wouldnt you love to see how vandalised the table is.. ppl moaning and groaning about how boring duty is.. and of a certain entity.. Laksaman.. and how sexy he is..
wtf.. weirdness.. made my mark, something close to the heart.. i had fun.. but im glad im home and still alive.. good day blog
<3

la la land

2004-09-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

why do people have blogs?
why do people feel the need to publicize their thoughts on the internet for all to see.. they seem to say things they would otherwise not want anyone to view but their very puprpose in posting is so a select few people can see what they're thinking..
come on ppl.. let it all out.. face to face..
sincerity is bliss..

may the force be with you.. for me to poop on..
the anti blog blog..

what a wicked game you play..

wow

2004-09-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

i have a blog.. go me!! lame.. its not working..
i thought having a blog is supposed to make you happy..
retardism..
wewt wewt wewt i have a blog...
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*dies*